


The Shadow of (Future) Days Gone By

by misura



Category: Deathstalker Series - Simon R. Green
Genre: Book: Deathstalker War, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-12
Updated: 2013-02-12
Packaged: 2017-11-29 15:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Julian supposed he'd always been unlucky in love.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shadow of (Future) Days Gone By

Julian supposed he'd always been unlucky in love.

In the beginning of things, there had been BB. He liked to think he hadn't really fallen for her before Auric's death, but if he were honest with himself, his initial resentment of her hadn't just been based on Auric's feelings for her, and how he'd felt that all the time Auric spent with her was time Auric was no longer spending with _him_. There might have been a dose of jealousy the other way mixed in, too.

At the time, it had only been an extra reason to dislike her, of course. Julian had always loved his brother unconditionally, and now here was this new person, weakening that love.

Easier to blame BB for that than to accept that maybe, just maybe, it was he himself who had changed.

And then Auric had died - murdered, practically, by the Masked Gladiator for no better reason than that he wanted to please the crowd in the Arena with a nice, bloody show. Trying to impress BB, Julian knew - or BB's Family, rather, because BB didn't need Auric to risk his life in order to prove to her he loved her. (Julian'd been there when she'd told him so, and in spite of everything he knew, in spite of all the lies, he still thought she'd meant it, more or less. There'd been nothing to gain for her in Auric's death, while alive, he might and would have done nearly anything for her.)

He'd allowed himself to fall in love with her. They'd shared their grief over Auric, and then they'd moved on - together, because she told him Auric wouldn't have minded, and he believed her.

She'd been very convincing, very understanding. Julian had needed that, with Auric gone.

For a while, he thought he'd be able to tell her anything - and so he had, and just like that, the dream had ended. Over. He hadn't thought he'd live through it. Being a realist, he'd hoped he'd die quickly, before he'd betray anyone other than himself and Auric's memory.

People didn't escape, once the Empire had gotten them in its clutches. The only thing he'd had to look forwards to was pain, and more pain, and one day, perhaps, after he'd given up every scrap of information about the underground he'd ever possessed, he might be allowed to beg them to kill him, and they'd grant him that mercy.

Finlay had saved him.

First, from the Empire, and that would have been an impressive enough feat on its own. Julian knew he'd pulled off some daring stunts of his own, but he'd never have been able to do what Finlay had done for him.

It didn't even matter that Finlay hadn't done it for _him_ , exactly. Finaly had done it. Julian couldn't _not_ admire him for that, especially because he knew most people in Finlay's place would have simply killed him. Julian wouldn't have blamed them. Killing him would have been a lot easier to accomplish, and from the underground's point of view, the result would have been the same as freeing him.

Finlay had gotten him out alive, though, given him back his life. Julian owed him for that.

The old Julian, the Julian who'd never been betrayed by his first love, would have found a way to pay Finlay back. Not immediately, perhaps; Finlay wasn't exactly the type to need someone else to rescue him, but once upon a time, Julian would have been able to chalk it up as a debt owed, and gotten on with his life.

Not anymore. There was no life he could be 'getting on with'. Sure, he supposed he might try to approach his old contacts again, try to make the Empire pay a bit for what they had done to him, but who would trust him? Everyone knew what happened once the Mind Techs had gotten their hands on you. Nobody in the underground would be able to trust him completely ever again.

Effectively, Julian's life was over.

And then Finlay had saved him a second time. More subtly, this time - possibly, he didn't even know it himself, but in allowing Julian to stick around, to accompany him on the mission to Haceldama, he'd given Julian hope again. Hope and, better yet, a purpose.

Julian knew people considered him weak - a nuisance and a liability, but as long as Finlay wanted him around, he didn't care. He knew Finlay did, a little. Not enough to refuse Julian's company - just enough to feel he needed to boost Julian's confidence in his own abilities. Convince him of his own worth, so that others would believe it, too.

Finlay wasn't very good at being subtle, but Julian knew he meant well, so he played along and pretended he didn't know, that he wasn't entirely aware that he would never again be the man he had been before. He could still make himself useful - to the underground in general, and to Finlay in particular.

He wasn't quite sure when those two got switched around. When Finlay had become more important to him than the Great Cause.

He _was_ quite sure that while Finlay might be fond of him, Evangeline Shreck would always be the one he loved. Like Auric had loved BB - not to the exclusion of everyone else, perhaps, but Julian would always come second, after someone else.

It wasn't so bad, he told himself. Having any place at all in Finlay's affection was good enough.

(Some day, he hoped he might convince himself that that was true. Until then, he'd simply be there, in the event Finlay should ever need him.)


End file.
